Kick the habit with fun, free, friendly support to be a new smoke free you xx

Author Topic: One liners  (Read 11618 times)

Phil Coulson

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 263
  • Thanked: 232 times
Re: One liners
« Reply #30 on: February 17, 2018, 09:35:40 am »
I bought a refrigerator from Craig David, its rubbish it only chills on Sundays.
 
The following users thanked this post: Glasgowgal

Phil Coulson

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 263
  • Thanked: 232 times
Re: One liners
« Reply #31 on: February 19, 2018, 04:44:49 pm »
So what if I don't know what apocalypse means!? It's not the end of the world!

Showed a guy a picture of my beautiful wife. He said, if you think she's beautiful you need to see my wife - Wow, Is she a stunner I asked? No, he replied, she's an optician

I've given up my job at the shoe recycling plant..it was sole destroying..!!

Standing at the bar with my mate,he said " your round" I said ' well you're hardly weightwatchers slimmer of the month".

I do not snore, I'm just dreaming that I am a motorbike...



 
The following users thanked this post: KitKat

Phil Coulson

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 263
  • Thanked: 232 times
Re: One liners
« Reply #32 on: February 23, 2018, 12:16:22 am »
My dog travelled on the underground yesterday with the trumpet. He went from Barking to tooting.

Thank goodness Whoopi Goldberg never married Peter Cushing.

A midget didn't like his job as a waiter, the pay wasn't good and he was struggling to put food on the table.

If you want to try sky diving you don't need a parachute, you only need one if you want to do it again.

I've just been diagnosed as colour blind, that came as a bolt from the grey.

I have a rare illness which makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands. There is no Cure.

So Kanye West has named his children Saint, Chicago and  North; whatever happened to traditional names like Rose and Fred.
 
The following users thanked this post: breakingfree

KitKat

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5085
  • Thanked: 2576 times
Re: One liners
« Reply #33 on: February 23, 2018, 05:27:39 pm »
How does a man take a bubble bath?
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v

He eats beans for dinner.


KK ;)
Manners maketh man, not the way he spells it
 

Phil Coulson

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 263
  • Thanked: 232 times
Re: One liners
« Reply #34 on: February 28, 2018, 07:57:24 pm »
I was going to buy an Apple iCar but it doesn't have windows.

Just bought some counterfeit Mr Kipling's. I must say, they're exceedingly good fakes...
« Last Edit: February 28, 2018, 08:00:01 pm by Phil Coulson »
 
The following users thanked this post: Nicky40, Glasgowgal

Phil Coulson

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 263
  • Thanked: 232 times
Re: One liners
« Reply #35 on: March 01, 2018, 08:57:15 pm »
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 capsules at me today. Luckily I only had super fish oil injuries.

The new iPhone model is a revolution in power supply. Rather than charging the battery by plugging it into a wall, Apple has opted instead to charge through the nose!

I'm going to a gamblers anonymous meeting tomorrow at 12.50pm. That's 10-1

KFC have run out of gravy, according to an undisclosed sauce.

I used to have a business selling origami supplies but it folded.

When we first split my ex wife missed me, after a couple of months her aim improved greatly.

Got my credit card and my organ donor card mixed up today when paying for petrol. It cost me an arm and a leg.
 
The following users thanked this post: tea, Lostie

tea

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6838
  • Thanked: 2974 times
Re: One liners
« Reply #36 on: March 01, 2018, 09:18:47 pm »
Do you like Milton Jones @Phil Coulson ?
12.9.2014  (I forget sometimes)
 

Phil Coulson

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 263
  • Thanked: 232 times
Re: One liners
« Reply #37 on: March 01, 2018, 10:34:49 pm »
Do you like Milton Jones @Phil Coulson ?

I do indeed, and like him I like self deprecating humour, but I'm not very good at it.


(also shows like Sorry I havn't a clue on Radio 4 and other comics like Tim Vine)
« Last Edit: March 01, 2018, 10:37:05 pm by Phil Coulson »
 

Phil Coulson

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 263
  • Thanked: 232 times
Re: One liners
« Reply #38 on: March 01, 2018, 10:49:51 pm »
I met an old soldier who is now caring for animals in South East Asia. He's a Vietnam vet.

 
The following users thanked this post: Skiddaw

Phil Coulson

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 263
  • Thanked: 232 times
Re: One liners
« Reply #39 on: March 08, 2018, 08:09:45 am »
they say that 40 is the new 30, try telling that to a bloody speed camera
 
The following users thanked this post: tea, Lostie

Phil Coulson

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 263
  • Thanked: 232 times
Re: One liners
« Reply #40 on: March 15, 2018, 12:42:43 am »
As the doctor was leaving the examination room following my prostate exam he passed the nurse coming in. She looked at me uttered the 3 words no man would want to hear in those circumstances "who was that?"
 
The following users thanked this post: Max414

tea

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6838
  • Thanked: 2974 times
Re: One liners
« Reply #41 on: March 15, 2018, 06:44:13 am »
A couple of weeks ago, in real life, I had to calm down a female colleague who was worried about her prostate and thought she ought to have it checked.
12.9.2014  (I forget sometimes)
 
The following users thanked this post: Phil Coulson

Phil Coulson

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 263
  • Thanked: 232 times
Re: One liners
« Reply #42 on: March 15, 2018, 11:24:03 am »
A couple of weeks ago, in real life, I had to calm down a female colleague who was worried about her prostate and thought she ought to have it checked.
She's not from Thailand is she?

 

Phil Coulson

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 263
  • Thanked: 232 times
Re: One liners
« Reply #43 on: March 15, 2018, 11:31:17 am »
Keen to distance Russia from the nerve agent attack in Salisbury Vladimir Putin has addressed world leaders denying any responsibility when asked to give the name of the person he thought may be responsible he replied "Yukanall Foocoff"
 

tea

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6838
  • Thanked: 2974 times
Re: One liners
« Reply #44 on: March 15, 2018, 12:12:42 pm »
She's not from Thailand is she?

No, she's from Brixton and definitely doesn't have a prostate.
12.9.2014  (I forget sometimes)