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Author Topic: One liners  (Read 11616 times)

Max414

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Re: One liners
« Reply #15 on: February 07, 2018, 08:10:08 pm »
A large hole has appeared outside the local railway station.
The Police are looking into it.
30 years of rollups,20 a day

9.53 pm Dec 28th 2012 >>>>>>>........last cancer stick..

With help from Champix and the late Mr Allen Carr,
The Nicdemon met his Waterloo at Xmas 2012 :-)
 
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tea

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Re: One liners
« Reply #16 on: February 07, 2018, 09:19:39 pm »
“Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs? I don’t think so… retired mermaids.”

“I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.”

“I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.”

“Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.”
12.9.2014  (I forget sometimes)
 
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Phil Coulson

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Re: One liners
« Reply #17 on: February 07, 2018, 11:59:00 pm »
I like self deprecating humour, but I'm not very good at it.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

My wife says either I stop watching Countdown or she's leaving me. What a conundrum !

If ballet dancers were taller they wouldn't have to spend all their time on tip toes.

Everyone was emotional at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers....

For Sale. A box of After Eights, mint condition.
 
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Phil Coulson

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Re: One liners
« Reply #18 on: February 09, 2018, 12:00:06 pm »
My New Years Resolution was to lose a stone.

6 weeks in and I've only got another 19lbs to go!
 

Phil Coulson

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Re: One liners
« Reply #19 on: February 09, 2018, 12:41:39 pm »
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping next to you and feel glad to be alive? I did and now I'm banned from flying with EasyJet ever again.
 
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Phil Coulson

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Re: One liners
« Reply #20 on: February 09, 2018, 12:51:15 pm »
I think my wife might be having an affair. Six months ago she started doing Zumba classes two evenings a week, yesterday I asked her how the Zumba was going and she said, not bad but its a hard to learn and might be years before I can speak it fluently.
 
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KitKat

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Re: One liners
« Reply #21 on: February 12, 2018, 04:34:26 pm »
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

 I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.


KK ;)
Manners maketh man, not the way he spells it
 
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KitKat

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Re: One liners
« Reply #22 on: February 12, 2018, 04:35:46 pm »
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home."


I went over. Nobody was home. :-[


KK ;)
Manners maketh man, not the way he spells it
 
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KitKat

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Re: One liners
« Reply #23 on: February 12, 2018, 04:38:04 pm »
I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay.


She said she didn't have time. :-[


KK ;)

Ps you know that's not true, it's only a joke  :D
Manners maketh man, not the way he spells it
 
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Phil Coulson

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Re: One liners
« Reply #24 on: February 14, 2018, 12:11:51 pm »
A man has been found guilty of criminal damage for tippexing out all the full stops in a library book. The judge has told him to expect a long sentence.  006
 
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Phil Coulson

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Re: One liners
« Reply #25 on: February 16, 2018, 02:41:08 pm »
Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed, simply by forgetting your wife's birthday.
 
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Phil Coulson

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Re: One liners
« Reply #26 on: February 16, 2018, 03:09:00 pm »
James Bond was called into M's Office "Bond, your old adversary Blofeld has engaged the services of legendary henchman Odd Job, I need you to track them down; I'm calling this operation Oddfeld" Bond realised it could have been much worse.
 
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tea

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Re: One liners
« Reply #27 on: February 16, 2018, 03:10:29 pm »
I really do like this thread @Phil Coulson
12.9.2014  (I forget sometimes)
 
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Phil Coulson

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Re: One liners
« Reply #28 on: February 16, 2018, 04:43:33 pm »
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter
 
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Phil Coulson

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Re: One liners
« Reply #29 on: February 16, 2018, 10:18:10 pm »
I looked up an old girlfriend today.......that's one of the more awkward things about being a gynaecologist.