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Author Topic: One liners  (Read 11614 times)

Phil Coulson

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One liners
« on: January 27, 2018, 11:45:54 pm »
How about a thread for one liners (or at least short jokes)


Such as


Its bizarre the number of conversations that my wife starts with the phrase "You're not listening, are you!"
 

Skiddaw

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Re: One liners
« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2018, 01:25:31 pm »
What do you call a fly with no wings?....

A walk.
Finally saw sense on 8/12/13

So many mountains, so little time...
 
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KitKat

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Re: One liners
« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2018, 07:29:04 pm »
What do you call a fly with no wings?....

A walk.

 009

KK ;)
Manners maketh man, not the way he spells it
 

Kat73

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Re: One liners
« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2018, 09:04:23 pm »
Two goldfish in a tank and one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
Smoker for 20+ years with a 3 year quit in the middle
Used Champix 16/01/13 to 12/02/13
Last cigarette 8pm 28/01/13
 
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Phil Coulson

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Re: One liners
« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2018, 09:22:00 pm »
Two cows in a field one says "moo" the other one says "hey, I was going to say that"
 
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Phil Coulson

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Re: One liners
« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2018, 10:49:11 am »
I asked Mrs C what she wanted for a Valentines present. She said "Nothing would make her happier than diamond earrings" So that it settled, I'll get her nothing!
 
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Kat73

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Re: One liners
« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2018, 05:40:05 pm »
Smoker for 20+ years with a 3 year quit in the middle
Used Champix 16/01/13 to 12/02/13
Last cigarette 8pm 28/01/13
 
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Indigo Warrior

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  • Just keep quitting, just keep quitting.
Re: One liners
« Reply #7 on: January 29, 2018, 07:10:38 pm »
I asked Mrs C what she wanted for a Valentines present. She said "Nothing would make her happier than diamond earrings" So that it settled, I'll get her nothing!

Can you film the response for our entertainment?
Nicotine free since 22nd August, 2015
 
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tea

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Re: One liners
« Reply #8 on: January 29, 2018, 09:33:49 pm »
“The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.”

“I don’t trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say ‘press’, but if you press those badges they just fall over all surprised.”
12.9.2014  (I forget sometimes)
 
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Phil Coulson

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Re: One liners
« Reply #9 on: February 01, 2018, 03:00:06 pm »
I don't mean to boast but I just finished a 14 day diet in 3 hours and twenty seven minutes!

 
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KitKat

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Re: One liners
« Reply #10 on: February 07, 2018, 08:15:10 am »
My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive. :-[


KK ;)
Manners maketh man, not the way he spells it
 
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KitKat

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Re: One liners
« Reply #11 on: February 07, 2018, 08:17:05 am »
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough, use an ashtray.


KK ;)
Manners maketh man, not the way he spells it
 

Skiddaw

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Re: One liners
« Reply #12 on: February 07, 2018, 11:27:46 am »
 ;D ;D ;D
Finally saw sense on 8/12/13

So many mountains, so little time...
 

tea

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Re: One liners
« Reply #13 on: February 07, 2018, 02:38:12 pm »
It's not a one liner but it's tickled me



12.9.2014  (I forget sometimes)
 
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Nicky40

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Re: One liners
« Reply #14 on: February 07, 2018, 03:34:28 pm »
I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust   006

 
Smoked for most of my adult life (and a fair bit of my childhood!).  Managed a two year quit 2014-2016 but started again!  Quit again on 6th January 2018 and lasted 7 months!  Back on the wagon again now...........
 
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